Lungs burning.
The want of air
hurting my chest
and throat
Feet kicking,
slowly, steadily.
Propelling myself to the
edge of the water
to the light
that falls through the water.
Through the depths
of the ocean
I see no fish
Only me and the
sea and the
rocks that set
the perimeters
of the ocean.
Silence is cold
and unforgiving.
Heart pounding
as I reach the
break in the water.
Gasp.
~
I hope you don't get tired of my writing.
Emily
I love the first two stanzas :)
ReplyDelete- Ellie
Thanks Ellie!
Delete~Emily
Nope nope nope not tired. Never tired of Emily's writing.
ReplyDeleteI love all of it. Except one thing in the second stanza. Are you ready? Are you ready to hear my hypocritical* writing nazi advice? Brace yourself.
"That falls through the water", the last line, seems to break up the beat for me. I don't think you need it.
That is all. Yes, really. 'Tis the only flaw. So I am done with my hypocritical writing nazi correction and hope you can do the same for me. I hope I didnt step on anything. Like your feelings. I hope they didn't get squished.
*hypocritical because I feel uncomfortable giving corrections to those I consider higher than me.
there needs to be a word for that deafening silence heared under water.
Gwen
Thanks Gwen!
DeleteI actually love critism on my writing-it helps my writing become better. Alas, you didn't step on any toes. Or squish my feelings.
I can't believe you think I'm on a higher level than you! Your story with Lily and Andy was amazing, if you ask me!
I agree that there needs to be a word.
~Emily
Yay constructive criticism and no squished feelings!
DeleteYes, you are. No questions.
I should really put up more of that. I have tons written on my phone, but it doesn't seem to be making it to the blog. That shall be my task for today.
Let me know when you think of one
:D:D:D!
DeleteI can't wait to read more!
I'll let you know as soon as I think of the right word!